!WARNING! THE FOLLOWING POST CONCERNS A 32 YEAR OLD WOMAN'S VISIT TO HER OB/GYN DOCTOR ~ READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

If I get through this story it will be a miracle.

Quick history: I, like many many women out there have a history of uterine fibroids. Non cancerous tumors TUMORS that form, you guessed it, in the uterus. Lots of women have them and have no problems. Not me. I have them and I have problems. Had I should say thanks to my most excellent doctor who I shall refer to as W. I'll not get into the nature of said problems. Trust me, we don't want to go there. But let me just say the procedure during which fibroids are detected, confirmed, measured, have a family photo taken...is oh, I don't know....beyond fucking horrible!

Three years ago W removed a very large fibroid I had via major abdominal surgery. I had the operation on Halloween two days after Jeff and I got back from our honeymoon in Scotland. Everything went fine and I was problem free for a few years. Obviously, my few years is up. Over the summer I began experiencing symptoms again and reluctantly paid W a visit. I really was not up for appointment upon appointment with the poking and the prodding and the most dreaded of all office visits....the hysteroscopy. To say I hate it is an understatement. I would rather have root canal. Seriously. I have had root canal so I know of what I speak. Root canal doesn't make my cry. Needless to say I went through it anyway. I had to since the alternative ~ living with the problems the fibroids cause ~ was not an option.

In July I had the second surgery and it was about a month later during a follow up visit when W mentioned something that might help. Since I have no children and wish to keep it that way, he suggested an iud. Not something I've ever thought about being a pill girl my entire reproductive life and not something I wanted to consider since I've pretty much filled a lifetime's quota of poking, probing and prodding. Then W said the magic words. It will cause your period to all but go away entirely. Uh, ok....when can we do this?

After a number of phone calls to his office and my health insurance provider it seemed we had the all clear. Cut to this morning. I drove into the city and was a comfy fifteen minutes early when I pulled into the parking garage. Can I just say, why the fuck do they give you a parking pass when there are no spaces left? Why? Please, somebody explain this to me. My on time for appointment window began shrinking as I trolled up and down the five level garage. After a few passes I see people walking to their car. Alas! Somebody is leaving!! I make with the turn signal only to see a car, that appeared to be parked ahead and to the right of me, pop it's signal on and maneuver towards the space. Ok, so I'm late now, nervous about the appointment and I feel my eyelid twitching from the stress ~ at this point I do what any red blooded Bostonian would do. I scream and yell and point and I rev my engine as loud and angry as she can get. (an easy task when you're driving a stick) The bitch gets the space and I get to troll around some more. As I am making another pass of this level I see her heading for the door and she gestures to me and what not. Her space first, yadda yadda yadda. Shut the fuck up before I run you over skeletor. Only after I am twenty minutes late for my appointment do I find a space. And guess who is sitting in the waiting room when I get up to W's office. Skeletor. I pretend she doesn't exist and check in with the front desk. And hardy fucking har har, I got seen first. Take that! Wait, what am I happy about? I don't even want to be here for fuck sake.

Cut to visit with W.
Before we can take care of the iud he wants to do a saline ultrasound.

Me - Um, do we have to?
W - Yes. I want to be safe.
Me thinking inside my head - Fuck.

This wasn't quite as bad as a hysteroscopy. But it was pretty fucking close. Tears people, tears. Yeah, I'm a big baby. I'm ok with that. So, all is well in uterusland so we can go ahead and make it a no-baby zone for five years. (another reason I am putting myself through all this. Five fucking years. I am SO on board with that shit.) I get moved to another room and he brings in a nurse.
W - Now, this will be uncomfortable but it will only take five minutes.
Nurse - Take long slow breaths and when you feel pain blow air out like you are blowing out a candle.
Me thinking inside my head - Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. Isn't that what they tell women giving birth to do? I am not happy. Think about yoga class. Happy place happy place. Shouldn't they give me some drugs for this? Fuck. Why am I here?

Cut to ten minutes later....
W - I think you have been traumatized by all the procedures you've had. Honestly. I'm so sorry.
Me as I rub my cheeks - Um, my head and hands feel tingly and a bit numb. I feel like I my face has been shot up with Novocain.
W - That sometimes happens after a person hyperventilates. Just sit and relax a bit I'll be back in a few minutes.
Me thinking inside my head - I can't feel my lips. What the fuck is going on. Why is my face paralyzed in a small mouth frown? Will Jeff still love me if I have a Rene Zellwegger-like pout on my face the rest of my life? Oh, thank christ....it seems to be going away. Wow, that was a fucking nightmare. I am NEVER coming back here.

Well, not for five years anyway.