Warning: This post contains self-pity bullshit. Feel free to skip it entirely.

Christ I feel like shit today. My throat is still bugging me but that's not really the problem. My problem is me. I've been on a bit of a bender for the past two weeks. Eating like crap and drinking too much. I put myself on a diet the first of the month and when after two weeks I'd only lost 4.5 pounds I fell off the wagon. Big time. I stepped on the scale this morning. Those 4.5lbs are back and they brought a couple friends with them. I know I know, 4.5 is a good start for two weeks. What can I say, I'm a fucking loser.
In the meantime I've discovered something I'm really good at. I am fucking spectacular at making promises to myself then breaking them. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm thirtythree years old and I can't seem to get my shit together. Quit drinking so much and lose twenty pounds. Why is this mount fucking Everest for me?? I see what I have typed here and all I can think is I am a whiner and I am weak. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good in my own skin. Why do I continue to make choices that move me away from those goals instead of toward them? I am blessed. I know this. I have an incredible relationship with an amazing man. He is my best friend and my husband. We live in a beautiful home in a nice neighborhood. I am currently unemployed but I am still able to do the things I want like horseback riding and Tai Ji Jian. I have friends and family who love and accept me. Why can't I do the same? Again I read this and I think about deleting it. Who wants to listen to me bitch and moan. But it's how I feel today. How I feel at the moment anyway. I'm sure after I clean the house and get some exercise I'll be better. It's like Jeff was saying in his post today about feeling restless and wanting to start over. I need to change. I need to change.