December 29th I drove to Baypath Humane Society on my lunch break. I was bored off my rocker at work and had some stuff in the car I wanted to donate to the shelter. A big bag of Science Diet Indoor cat food Feya and Bear refuse to eat and a bag of kitten formula I'd bought for Bubby in an attempt to get some weight on her. I also wanted to give them a monetary donation and make sure my info was still in the foster book. I've been to the shelter a number of times since I released my foster family to them (sans Bubby) 13 months ago but those were quick visits to drop off the odd carrier for donation or other dog and kitty goods. Today I had a more particular mission and little did I suspect the outcome. After bringing in the bags of food and handing over a check I asked Blair if she remembered me. The Franklin litter? I prompted. The five of them were FeLV positive? Yes! She remembered them, the sweetest kittens ever. How was Bubbs?
I explained to her what happened. We both teared up a bit, I had just gotten to the point where I could speak it and not blubber like a baby. "God bless you for trying the chemo", she said "but when they have the virus from birth it's a death sentence. I'm so sorry." Hearing this from a shelter worker/vet tech made me wonder what happened at Tufts. Is it policy for the doctor to give false hope? Was false hope given or were Jeff and I in denial from the very start? Even now I second guess myself.
I knew the other four kittens had been adopted by a couple. In the three weeks since Bubby's death Jeff and I found ourselves thinking about them again and again. How did they do? Had any gotten sick? How much more terrible for us would it have been had we kept Fox too as I considered. Or if Jeff's brother had also taken one which was another option that came close to reality.

"Do you know how the others are doing? Are you in contact with their owners?"
Blair looked like she'd rather be somewhere else. "None are left."
I felt my heart break all over again.
"Ann called them the fabulous four." she continued, "They were all so full of life. One day they would be fine, the next overcome with the disease."
And so it was for Bubby as well despite the chemo. Trying to shake off the sadness that was about to suffocate me I asked if they could check my name was still in the book for fostering. It was something I still wanted to do and I figured by the spring kitten season I'd be up to it.
"We have a mother and two kittens in the back right now. They came in this morning."
There was only a moment's pause before I said I'd do it. I just had to talk to my husband, get the room cleaned out, etc. I'd be back after work to pick them up.

Before I went back to work and before I called Jeff, before I left the shelter parking lot even....I had another good cry in my car. This time not just for Bubby but for my entire little foster family. At least now they are together again and that brings me a tiny bit of comfort.

Bubby
Fox
Cookie
Baron
Oreo