I turn 35 this month. Not that it matters because I'm already an old lady. I've been quilting lately. I finished an amish star kit that Becky gave me for Christmas and have begun a new kitty-themed quilt.

Speaking of kitties I just got back from a visit to the animal shelter. It'll be kitten season soon and I'm on the list to foster. It shouldn't be long before we have a new herd of furballs running around. I've been having a bit of a problem in the meantime though. One day a week for the past few weeks I've been popping into the shelter to drop stuff off and visit with the animals. Last week when I walked into the cat room I came face to face with a six month-old, female kitty who immediately reminded me of Bubby. Funny nose, loud purr engine, similar size, shape and markings. So many reminders in fact I felt tears welling up in my eyes. She'd just come into the shelter the day before and would be held for ten days before being put up for adoption. They do this because she was a stray and who knows, she could be lost instead of abandoned and her owners might turn up. Being impulsive and emotional I put my name down on an adoption application. I am number one on the list. I told Jeff about her and we went back the next day so he could see her. Unfortunately it was Saturday and the "hard-sell" lady was manning the cat room. That plus my new friend was more interested in napping in the corner than showing Jeff what I had seen. Being an excellent man, Jeff went back again on Sunday while I was at the barn to see if he could get an idea of her personality. But this time she was roaming the cat room and more interested in hiding than people. After talking a bit about it, I decided I'd pull my application. Something I planned on doing today when I went for a visit. Today is the last day of her "hold for 10 days" status and tomorrow she goes up for adoption. Tomorrow being Saturday, the busiest adoption day of the week, and she being incredibly sweet I know she will find a home fast. But I haven't pulled my papers yet. After visiting her today I cried all the way home from the shelter. Why did I want to adopt this cat? Because she reminds me of Bubby, who I miss terribly. Is that fair to the cat? No, but a big part of me...a big selfish part of me....doesn't care. That part of me that still mourns Bubby would take any comfort it could get. What can I possibly hope to gain by bringing her home? There will be a cat in my house who for all intents and purposes would be a Bubby replacement. From the corner of my eye she would look like her, her personality at the shelter tells me she would act quite a bit like her...but it wouldn't BE her. I'd be fooling myself and again, I know it's the wrong reason. I need to let her go. I know this but Christ it's still so hard.