I'm 37 now. I celebrated my birthday in paradise. We just got back from a week in Maui. Spent the first three days with my cousin and his wife. Lots of fun, lots of laughs. Saw humpback whales from the shore which was quite amazing. At one point there were four about 150 yards from the beach as we watched from our lanai. The sun was setting. It brought me to tears. They were everywhere. We could hear them singing while we snorkeled at Black Rock. Came across the octopuses in one bay. I got smacked down like a rag doll by the ocean in another. Hiked along dragon's teeth and walked an old, zen-like maze.

Home now and it's good. I missed my bed, my cats and my horse. It's spring and the air is getting warm.

It was a year ago tonight I read his eulogy. I dreamt about him and my father while in Hawaii and woke up crying. I tried to run away from this anniversary. It followed me and that's fine. I have come to accept and have gotten used to my brother being gone. What's left of my family is what's so difficult to deal with. We are in pieces.