Ok, fine I admit it...I am a girl. It's true, I was born that way. Overall I am pretty happy with my gender. Sure I sometimes get pissed about the bad driving stereotype (for which I do NOT contribute) but for the most part, I am woman ~ hear me roar and all that bullshit. The one real weakness I have regarding my sex is makeup. I love to shop for and buy makeup. Some women have shoes, others have jewelry so all and all having a bit of a makeup addiction isn't a bad thing. Hey, it's not like I'm shopping at the Chanel counter (Becky! :P ). I usually get my fix at the local drugstore because hey, $11.99 for loose powder is fucking enough thank you very much. It's true I have splurged in the past at Seporha but for chrissake, nobody else sells cake mascara!* And truth be told, I love the fact they ship everything in a little fabric pouch. Sure it's not the black velvet pouch you get at Chanel (Becky!! I tease because I love!) but it's better than the plastic bag you get at the CVS down the street. Also they send you lots of itty bitty free samples but I digress....

Sigh...but sometimes...well let's be honest shall we...most times, when I buy makeup I am, ah...how shall I say this?...fucking pissed I fell for the ad yet again! Tonight I popped into my local CVS because I was in dire need of facial cleanser. You purists out there go ahead and groan but I have paid big bucks for "quality" skin cleanser and it feels like I'm washing my face with lard. Just give me my Clean & Clear and shut the fuck up. Look how much I love you people, I have links EVERYWHERE tonight. Anyway, I needed cleanser, hair accessories and....er....um...Easter...candy...fuck I've said too much! Jeff, these are NOT the droids you are looking for...K?

Right, so I can't shop CVS without trolling down the makeup isle. It's physically, gravitationally and emotionally impossible for me to shun the makeup isle. So I tucked into my basket some of the tried and true favorites; Cover Girl pressed powder in Ivory and some Maybelline lipstick in Toast of New York which, by the way, I will be completely fucked if they ever discontinue that color. Right about this point I come across the new displays of lipgloss crammed with shining and shimmering Spring shades and nearly all speckled with glitter. First question: When did Glam Rock and glitter and blue fucking eyeshadow come back in style?? I saw a big ol' display featuring non other than Milla Jovovich in which she is sporting dark blue nail polish (which I wore in high school), silver, pink and blue eye shadow (which I wore in high school although not all at once) and a ton of silver bracelets (which I wore...Ah nevermind). You get the idea, too bad I didn't. After chuckling over this ad and thinking to myself "who the fuck is going to wear silver eye shadow?" I promptly fell into the lip gloss trap. I was fascinated by the oh-so slick model's whose lips were drenched in silky colors that sparkled with gloss.
For my male readers I cannot expect you to understand the difference between lipstick and lipgloss. I will only say this....lipstick is reality....lipgloss is a myth. A sticky, disgusting, I ain't talking about Blistex, myth.. and I fell for it yet again this evening. I'd seen the ads for the non-sticky, long lasting lipgloss. It's been about ten years (not kidding) since I'd last purchased any and I had this silly hope technology would have solved the kindergarden-paste-like gloss problem. I saw skillfully marketed displays of Revlon Super Lustrous Lipgloss and fell hook, line and sinker. "This can't possibly be the same glue-like, pink spackle they sold in the 80's!" I thought foolishly. Um, oh yes it can...but now it's $6.99 per tube of glue-like, pink spackle.

As soon as I got home with my bag o'goodies I tore open one of the two "shades" of gloss I purchased. Feeling retro I'd opted for Shine That Pink along with a usual neutral brownish Coffee Gleam. I opened the pink one first and was immediately suspicious of the familiar applicator. Sure I'd not seen one since my hair was out to here and White Lion was in heavy roation in my car stero but I knew....I knew what it meant. It meant the god damn makeup company hadn't changed a fucking thing except the ad! Shit was as gooey and sticky as ever. Second question: Who the fuck can go around with this shit on their lips for even the briefest amount of time? It doesn't even LOOK good nevermind how it feels. Mutherfuckers. I will get my $14.00 back, you can be damn sure of that...cause I need nail polish!


*Yeah, it's $20 but it will last you years and years. Also, it's absolutely worth taking the time to do....NO CLUMPS!!! Ever. Period. Go buy some now.

[ed note: Bry, feel free to make lots of lewd comments about icky, gooey, sticky, and all together uncomfortable lipgloss. I'm sure it's just simmering beneath the surface like a pot about to boil over!]